More Than the Scales of Justice

[bardiphouka]

Written for brigits_flame
Prompt=scale
Word count=158
genre:poetry






Here , along the mountains
of our potentials, I
will climb the Yes of you.
That cartography that
makes me dizzy with new heights.

In the instrument that is your
softness in the night, my
fingers scale an octave
from note to note, until the
music glistens in moonlight,
like scales of the sacred Salmon,
Its Wisdom untasted until
I draw the tones of
each note that you have given me.
I wrap them with my own desires
and climb with them as comrades
to the top of yes
and in trembling moments,
Yes again. Can you hear
The affirmation of our
atonements to the gods for
Finding more within
Each other than they,
Wherever they are, can
Derive from their power?

If I scale beyond the limits
That Self can absorb, and you
With me, then let the gods
Fill the empty space themselves

As we,wrapped in each
Other, bring sound and
Ecstasy to a new universe.

Comments

[keppiehed.livejournal.com]

That is quite an ambition.

[bardiphouka.livejournal.com]

A man's reach must exceed his grasp, etc etc,

[keppiehed.livejournal.com]

I don't know if this man was grasping as much as handsy. ;)

[bardiphouka.livejournal.com]

one can be both

[keppiehed.livejournal.com]

Poets are not supposed to know about man's baser nature! You are supposed to be ... floating ethereally above and chronicling from afar with your quill. Like a cherub, without the wings. :D

[bardiphouka.livejournal.com]

We need to broaden your reading :) Or I need to write more in this vein.

[keppiehed.livejournal.com]

I am rather prim and I am afraid you would shock me! I shall stick to my Twilight saga for thrills, that's about all I can handle. :P

[bardiphouka.livejournal.com]

you just want more sparkles

[keppiehed.livejournal.com]

Of course! Who doesn't want more sparkles?! :D

[bluegerl.livejournal.com]

You can write lovemaking into such poetic music my darling man, that makes my heart sing.

And may the Gods learn not to spoil our lives with their jealousy should we happen upon a fragment of what they wish. A balance must be kept -

[bardiphouka.livejournal.com]

see? I do write about nice things at times.

[urb-banal.livejournal.com]

Now, tell me, who don't want it like that?

[bardiphouka.livejournal.com]

Self is oft capitalised, the Salmon and Wisdom are proper names in several mythologies.

As for capitalisation of lines, I really do not care, but leave it to the grammar checker.

As for the usage of scale, I more or less agree with you. It is ever so close to a shaggy dog story. In not too serious pieces I often use the prompt in as many ways as possible just for the fun of it. If I were going to actually do anything with the poem, I am sure I would cut most of them.

Editor chiming in!

[innana88.livejournal.com]

I'm really late with this. I didn't forget about you. My apologies.

When I first read this, I loved it. Sometimes it takes a few reads for me to appreciate something. Not this one.

I / will climb the Yes of you

Very e.e. cummings-esque in the best way. By that I mean that you don't sound like e.e. cummings throughout the whole piece, but you threw out the rule book for this line and it totally works. I love it. It is my favorite line in the poem.

I agree with Richard's comment about 'that cartography that', but I think you could use 'Your cartography / makes me dizzy....'

I also agree with changing all but the first 'scale' to something else. It does feel a bit like like we're getting thunked over the head with it.

The affirmation of our
atonements to the gods is clunky. Also, it isn't making sense to me. Who is affirming your atonement? Are the gods receiving your atonement? Atoning here makes it sound like they believe they are guilty? Are they? Should they atone?

I get that the sin is finding more within each other, but the last few lines are not making sense for me: 'than they, / wherever they are, can / derive from their power?' 'Derive from their power' doesn't seem to fit in this sentence. Again, it is a bit clunky. It seems like it would read more smoothly and be less confusing if the line simply read 'then in them'. Boom! That's a sin one might have to atone for. Or not. :)

I really enjoyed this one, Bardi. It is quite lovely.

Re: Editor chiming in!

[bardiphouka.livejournal.com]

it is the physical sounds of sex with is the affirmation.

and then in them just does not make it for me. The idea behind the stanza is that there is more magic and mysterty etc in physical love than in the gods..bearing in mind that a large number of gods derive their power from one thing or another.

as for scales, I am not perfect..I can be as bad as a punster at times..see my comment to Richard.