I'm really late with this. I didn't forget about you. My apologies.
When I first read this, I loved it. Sometimes it takes a few reads for me to appreciate something. Not this one.
I / will climb the Yes of you
Very e.e. cummings-esque in the best way. By that I mean that you don't sound like e.e. cummings throughout the whole piece, but you threw out the rule book for this line and it totally works. I love it. It is my favorite line in the poem.
I agree with Richard's comment about 'that cartography that', but I think you could use 'Your cartography / makes me dizzy....'
I also agree with changing all but the first 'scale' to something else. It does feel a bit like like we're getting thunked over the head with it.
The affirmation of our atonements to the gods is clunky. Also, it isn't making sense to me. Who is affirming your atonement? Are the gods receiving your atonement? Atoning here makes it sound like they believe they are guilty? Are they? Should they atone?
I get that the sin is finding more within each other, but the last few lines are not making sense for me: 'than they, / wherever they are, can / derive from their power?' 'Derive from their power' doesn't seem to fit in this sentence. Again, it is a bit clunky. It seems like it would read more smoothly and be less confusing if the line simply read 'then in them'. Boom! That's a sin one might have to atone for. Or not. :)
I really enjoyed this one, Bardi. It is quite lovely.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
Editor chiming in!
Date: 2012-08-03 12:37 pm (UTC)When I first read this, I loved it. Sometimes it takes a few reads for me to appreciate something. Not this one.
I / will climb the Yes of you
Very e.e. cummings-esque in the best way. By that I mean that you don't sound like e.e. cummings throughout the whole piece, but you threw out the rule book for this line and it totally works. I love it. It is my favorite line in the poem.
I agree with Richard's comment about 'that cartography that', but I think you could use 'Your cartography / makes me dizzy....'
I also agree with changing all but the first 'scale' to something else. It does feel a bit like like we're getting thunked over the head with it.
The affirmation of our
atonements to the gods is clunky. Also, it isn't making sense to me. Who is affirming your atonement? Are the gods receiving your atonement? Atoning here makes it sound like they believe they are guilty? Are they? Should they atone?
I get that the sin is finding more within each other, but the last few lines are not making sense for me: 'than they, / wherever they are, can / derive from their power?' 'Derive from their power' doesn't seem to fit in this sentence. Again, it is a bit clunky. It seems like it would read more smoothly and be less confusing if the line simply read 'then in them'. Boom! That's a sin one might have to atone for. Or not. :)
I really enjoyed this one, Bardi. It is quite lovely.