ASAD 1

[bardiphouka]

There is that rare fraction of a moment
if you are paying attention or perhaps
just drifting thoughtwise across the
handpainted tables with their soft,
sibilant sound one on the other
the cards shuffled and reshuffled
with only sporadic desires and lusts

There is that rare fraction of a moment
when you can become aware that Random
Fate has become the dealer
and is playing with more than cards.

Comments

[imyourboss.livejournal.com]

"sibilant" - FANTASTIC word.
I like that "Random / Fate" is broken,
and "fate has become the dealer" is a great line.

And (unless you're going for something syllable-based), you could conceivably do without that "and is" in the last line.. "Fate has become the dealer, / playing with more than cards."

[bardiphouka.livejournal.com]

To be quite honest I am not all that thrilled with the last line,but then it was 6AM give or take (have not decided yet if I want to follow the same rules as APAD..which is writing each poem in one take and on the fly). This one was, others I may actually do rewrites on.