bardiphouka | Jan. 5th, 2005

Today's quotes are all assumed to be by George Carlin but are not. Who they are from I have no idea..although I myself have wondered about the atm drive throughs

# Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

# Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

# Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

# Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

# If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

# Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

# If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

# Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

# If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

# The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

# Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

# I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

# If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

# If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

# Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

# If God dropped acid, would he see people?

# How is it possible to have a civil war?

# Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

# If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

# If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

# If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

# What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

# If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

# Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

# Is there another word for synonym?

# What was the best thing before sliced bread?

# Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

# If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

# Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

# If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

# Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

# Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

# One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

# Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

# Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

# How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

# One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

# Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?