La Petite Mort
Jul. 1st, 2012 02:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Written for:
brigits_flame
Prompt:"For in that sleep of death what dreams may come."
Genre: Poetry
Word Count=143
Rating R..sexual content.
Raven seldom slept;
and when he slept
he never dreamed,
of anything but night.
Raven seldom slept;
and when he slept
he slept alone,
with no companion but night.
Raven's days were Mysteries
and his nights were Magic
and when he slept
he ate and drank of both.
Then during one song of change
he met Falcon; and thus, Life.
Raven seldom slept
with Falcon in his arms.
And when he did, he found dreams.
Turning, Raven dreamed of Death.
Raven seldom slept;
and this was something new for him.
Raven was not born, nor died.
Raven was the growth of Mystery and Magic.
Raven woke at the thought of Death
and Falcon held him, rode him as
their love and need became
food and drink for both.
Raven looked in her eyes at orgasm
And learned the grandeur that Death can be.
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Prompt:"For in that sleep of death what dreams may come."
Genre: Poetry
Word Count=143
Rating R..sexual content.
Raven seldom slept;
and when he slept
he never dreamed,
of anything but night.
Raven seldom slept;
and when he slept
he slept alone,
with no companion but night.
Raven's days were Mysteries
and his nights were Magic
and when he slept
he ate and drank of both.
Then during one song of change
he met Falcon; and thus, Life.
Raven seldom slept
with Falcon in his arms.
And when he did, he found dreams.
Turning, Raven dreamed of Death.
Raven seldom slept;
and this was something new for him.
Raven was not born, nor died.
Raven was the growth of Mystery and Magic.
Raven woke at the thought of Death
and Falcon held him, rode him as
their love and need became
food and drink for both.
Raven looked in her eyes at orgasm
And learned the grandeur that Death can be.
no subject
Date: 2012-07-02 09:11 am (UTC)Editor chiming in!
Date: 2012-07-06 07:26 pm (UTC)I love the way you've created the intimacy between Raven and Falcon in this poem. It's hot, but not tawdry in the least. Very erotic.
I do confess that I was confused at several different moments in this piece. I'll let you know where the fuzziness occurred, so that maybe you can add in a stanza or two that can clear it up.
The tone that I got from the first two stanzas was one of desolation. This was the result of the abruptness of the sounds here. It felt cold. I think this may have been what you were going for, if so, it was really effective.
However, the third stanza made me question this. Suddenly, Raven's life seems very whimsical with magic and mystery, but this is before he meets Falcon? And now it seems like he sleeps a lot more, especially since in the fourth stanza it seems as though the lack of sleep is the 'something new for him'.
I'm guessing that you are possibly trying to repeat the phrase 'seldom slept' to give it a new twist in meaning each time it is used. I think this COULD be a potentially strong device of repetition, but there's too much ambiguity just yet. I'll explain this a bit more in-depth in a bit.
I think you can cut this stanza for the sake of clarity without sacrificing the feel of the poem:
Raven's days were Mysteries
and his nights were Magic
and when he slept
he ate and drank of both.
I like that you employ a structural shift when Raven meets Falcon. I did cringe more than a little at the thought that in meeting a companion, Raven meets 'life'. Instead of sounding romantic, it sounds like something out of Twilight, which I personally find rather claustrophobic. I want to tell Falcon to fly away as fast as she can. "Falcon! Look out! He's co-dependent!" I do recognize that Twilight has grossed a fortune at the box office. I may be in the minority, here. Take that for what it is worth.
Even apart from the context I mentioned earlier, I don't know what this stanza means:
Raven seldom slept;
and this was something new for him.
Raven was not born, nor died.
Raven was the growth of Mystery and Magic.
This is a place that could use some clarity. The earlier stanza about Mystery and Magic did not clear this up for me, either. What is Mystery? What is Magic? These words sound fantastical, but they are as yet empty decorations for me in terms of what they mean to Raven.
Raven seldom slept, but he woke at the thought of Death? Is he sleeping or is he awake? This is fuzzy. I don't know what wakefulness or sleep means to Raven. These could stand to be defined more tightly within the context that they are used ESPECIALLY if you are going to twist the meaning each time you use the phrase 'seldom slept'. It cannot be ambiguous within the stanza where it appears, although the meaning can shift from stanza to stanza. I hope that clears up what I meant earlier.
Raven woke at the thought of Death
and Falcon held him, rode him as
their love and need became
food and drink for both.
This is a lovely stanza in terms of the way it falls on the eyes and ears.
Raven looked in her eyes at orgasm
And learned the grandeur that Death can be.
Orgasm is such a poetically awkward word. It's impossible to not stumble over it. Is there a way to substitute something else here so you don't
uselose the erotic feeling you have going? (Whoops! That was my edit to the edit!)Raven looked into her widening eyes
And learned the grandeur that Death can be.
Or 'dilating eyes'?
or 'her eyes as he brought her', something like that?
This seems like too grand of a moment for stumbling. :) Other than that word, it is a perfect ending.
I think that this has some potential if you do choose to rework it. Additionally, perhaps flushing out the characters of Raven and Falcon a bit more could take this poem to the next level.
Re: Editor chiming in!
Date: 2012-07-06 10:02 pm (UTC)It is not that he did know about living before Falcon..more that she introduced him to the mortal concept of Life..and death.
And there are then a number double entendres which I shan't go into. And the orgasm is there as a giveaway for the title of the poem..La Petite Mort IS orgasm.
Re: Editor chiming in!
Date: 2012-07-06 10:33 pm (UTC)As far as the title of your poem goes, I'm well-acquainted with that phrase. This is why I complimented you on the perfect ending; you tie the
title in in a lovely way. I still don't think the word 'orgasm' works, though. It's your poem, however. And of course you can take or leave anything I say.
Are you certain you wanted an NHB edit? I can lean more towards moderate next time.
Re: Editor chiming in!
Date: 2012-07-06 10:37 pm (UTC)