Hey, bardi! Stepping in as your editor for this week. It’s been a while since I’ve done any NHB editing. *cracks knuckles* Let’s see how rusty I am!
There were rare moments, in the predawn breaths of sleep, when he knew where he was. And then breath would follow breath and he would wake slowly, knowing only the constant, that he had no home and the rest did not matter.
Awesome intro! Not only is it well written with great descriptive detail, but it also provides clues about the narrator AND provokes questions – precisely what a solid intro should do. I think the only part I can get nitpicky about is the comma after “constant”. I feel like it might serve better as a colon or hyphen. The comma doesn’t provide enough pause for the revelation that he has no home. But, that’s just my personal opinion, not a must-do edit.
Which meant in a moment he could get look over at the nightstand and find something to tell him what country he was in.
Hmm… There’s some awkward phrasing in this sentence, namely in the “…he could get look over…” area. I think what happened was you had one phrasing idea in your head and it got muddled with the one that ultimately ended up in the story.
He felt like this was a practice he had been doing forever. He had a vague, vague memory of knowing where he was at once, because he knew nothing but home. He could stretch and feel the green of the trees overhead.
I appreciate the anonymity of the speaker very much. It’s a concept I enjoy quite a bit when reading: a vaguely defined narrator allows the reader to assume whatever identity they want for the character, even their own. The only drawback to this is that it limits the identifying terms, which can then lead to the problem of repetition. That’s kinda what’s happened here. All three of these sentences start with “he” and are of relatively the same length. This makes it read a little flat, especially when compared to the vividness of the paragraphs before it. See if you can tweak this a little so that at least one line has a different structure.
An odd structure made of green saplings lashed together and of uncured hides stood at one edge of the trees as though asking their shelter. .
A couple very small things here (sorry for all the nitpicking, but that’s pretty much all I can provide for you *grins*). First off, there’s some awkward phrasing here, particularly in the “… and of uncured hides…” I get what you were describing, but the way the description is worded I had to read it twice before I was like, “Ooooh… got it.” Second, there seems to be a random extra period. Now, that COULD just be from me copy/pasting this into Word for editing purposes, but in case it’s not I thought I’d point it out.
There was the familiar feel of soft intrusion of steel meeting flesh and gristle that let him know before he withdrew the weapon that he had found his target.
Adore this line. That is all. Actually, it’s not. It’s just as important to know WHY a reader loves something as it is to know why they don’t. What I love about this line is your descriptive ability. It isn’t bogged down with unnecessary words or details, but it provides just enough for the reader to see, feel, and hear what’s going on. It’s a perfect balance.
He pulled the length of the blade back out, blood coating it with a sheen that had already begun to turn dark. Dermot had already turned to see if there were other targets when the sound of tumbling through the branches brought him back around.
Very small detail here: “already” is used in two consecutive sentences, and in very close proximity. This makes it read repetitively, so just be mindful of that for future pieces.
On the ground, blood seeping through the leaf gathering that served as a grim cushion, was the slight body of a young girl, perhaps 4 or 5 years old.
Okay, HERE there’s just a little too much going on. I love the details very much. You have a lovely, fresh way of describing things. But this sentence is too crowded over with it. I’d suggest either simplifying this or breaking it into two sentences.
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timeasmymeasure
EDITOR: Part One
Date: 2011-05-16 01:05 am (UTC)There were rare moments, in the predawn breaths of sleep, when he knew where he was. And then breath would follow breath and he would wake slowly, knowing only the constant, that he had no home and the rest did not matter.
Awesome intro! Not only is it well written with great descriptive detail, but it also provides clues about the narrator AND provokes questions – precisely what a solid intro should do. I think the only part I can get nitpicky about is the comma after “constant”. I feel like it might serve better as a colon or hyphen. The comma doesn’t provide enough pause for the revelation that he has no home. But, that’s just my personal opinion, not a must-do edit.
Which meant in a moment he could get look over at the nightstand and find something to tell him what country he was in.
Hmm… There’s some awkward phrasing in this sentence, namely in the “…he could get look over…” area. I think what happened was you had one phrasing idea in your head and it got muddled with the one that ultimately ended up in the story.
He felt like this was a practice he had been doing forever. He had a vague, vague memory of knowing where he was at once, because he knew nothing but home. He could stretch and feel the green of the trees overhead.
I appreciate the anonymity of the speaker very much. It’s a concept I enjoy quite a bit when reading: a vaguely defined narrator allows the reader to assume whatever identity they want for the character, even their own. The only drawback to this is that it limits the identifying terms, which can then lead to the problem of repetition. That’s kinda what’s happened here. All three of these sentences start with “he” and are of relatively the same length. This makes it read a little flat, especially when compared to the vividness of the paragraphs before it. See if you can tweak this a little so that at least one line has a different structure.
An odd structure made of green saplings lashed together and of uncured hides stood at one edge of the trees as though asking their shelter. .
A couple very small things here (sorry for all the nitpicking, but that’s pretty much all I can provide for you *grins*). First off, there’s some awkward phrasing here, particularly in the “… and of uncured hides…” I get what you were describing, but the way the description is worded I had to read it twice before I was like, “Ooooh… got it.” Second, there seems to be a random extra period. Now, that COULD just be from me copy/pasting this into Word for editing purposes, but in case it’s not I thought I’d point it out.
There was the familiar feel of soft intrusion of steel meeting flesh and gristle that let him know before he withdrew the weapon that he had found his target.
Adore this line. That is all. Actually, it’s not. It’s just as important to know WHY a reader loves something as it is to know why they don’t. What I love about this line is your descriptive ability. It isn’t bogged down with unnecessary words or details, but it provides just enough for the reader to see, feel, and hear what’s going on. It’s a perfect balance.
He pulled the length of the blade back out, blood coating it with a sheen that had already begun to turn dark. Dermot had already turned to see if there were other targets when the sound of tumbling through the branches brought him back around.
Very small detail here: “already” is used in two consecutive sentences, and in very close proximity. This makes it read repetitively, so just be mindful of that for future pieces.
On the ground, blood seeping through the leaf gathering that served as a grim cushion, was the slight body of a young girl, perhaps 4 or 5 years old.
Okay, HERE there’s just a little too much going on. I love the details very much. You have a lovely, fresh way of describing things. But this sentence is too crowded over with it. I’d suggest either simplifying this or breaking it into two sentences.