More Than the Scales of Justice

[bardiphouka]

Written for brigits_flame
Prompt=scale
Word count=158
genre:poetry






Here , along the mountains
of our potentials, I
will climb the Yes of you.
That cartography that
makes me dizzy with new heights.

In the instrument that is your
softness in the night, my
fingers scale an octave
from note to note, until the
music glistens in moonlight,
like scales of the sacred Salmon,
Its Wisdom untasted until
I draw the tones of
each note that you have given me.
I wrap them with my own desires
and climb with them as comrades
to the top of yes
and in trembling moments,
Yes again. Can you hear
The affirmation of our
atonements to the gods for
Finding more within
Each other than they,
Wherever they are, can
Derive from their power?

If I scale beyond the limits
That Self can absorb, and you
With me, then let the gods
Fill the empty space themselves

As we,wrapped in each
Other, bring sound and
Ecstasy to a new universe.

Comments

[keppiehed.livejournal.com]

That is quite an ambition.

[urb-banal.livejournal.com]

Now, tell me, who don't want it like that?

Editor chiming in!

[innana88.livejournal.com]

I'm really late with this. I didn't forget about you. My apologies.

When I first read this, I loved it. Sometimes it takes a few reads for me to appreciate something. Not this one.

I / will climb the Yes of you

Very e.e. cummings-esque in the best way. By that I mean that you don't sound like e.e. cummings throughout the whole piece, but you threw out the rule book for this line and it totally works. I love it. It is my favorite line in the poem.

I agree with Richard's comment about 'that cartography that', but I think you could use 'Your cartography / makes me dizzy....'

I also agree with changing all but the first 'scale' to something else. It does feel a bit like like we're getting thunked over the head with it.

The affirmation of our
atonements to the gods is clunky. Also, it isn't making sense to me. Who is affirming your atonement? Are the gods receiving your atonement? Atoning here makes it sound like they believe they are guilty? Are they? Should they atone?

I get that the sin is finding more within each other, but the last few lines are not making sense for me: 'than they, / wherever they are, can / derive from their power?' 'Derive from their power' doesn't seem to fit in this sentence. Again, it is a bit clunky. It seems like it would read more smoothly and be less confusing if the line simply read 'then in them'. Boom! That's a sin one might have to atone for. Or not. :)

I really enjoyed this one, Bardi. It is quite lovely.