I'm giving you the NHB sans grammar, so please know that all the suggestions here are because this is what you requested. Yes, I think it needs tweaking, but oh.my.god I fell in love with this piece. It's gorgeous.
In paragraph 2, keep 'sack' instead of changing to 'bag'. Sack just works better with the rest of your word choices here. Bag sounds too modern and it is a deviation from the consistency you are otherwise creating very seamlessly.
"It is said relief is available" OR "It is said that relief is available". Not a grammar correction, but a stylistic one; the way it is worded here sounds unnecessarily clunky.
Would it have been as commonplace as it sounds here to run for pleasure in 1849? Research this. It pops me out of time here.
"12 miles, on the other hand, can be an angry thing for others." The fact that you name an emotion here takes away from the paragraph's potential to arouse it in the reader. What else could it be other than angry? Your writing is so much better than what this sentence gives you credit for. I don't really like inserting 'an impossible distance' because I think that takes away from it as well, but try to play with something that could arouse a sense of hopelessness without naming it here. You do such a great job in the remainder of the paragraph doing just this. Maybe all you need is something simple like:
"And yet, 12 miles. When you have had little or naught to eat..."
The rest of this amazing paragraph says everything.
The switch to second person here, however, is a bit disjointed from the rest of the story. Try using 'one' instead of 'you'. It seems to flow better without compromising the beauty of your language here by more sweeping changes. For instance, in this sentence try this: "Or if legs have grown heavy with having to carry not just oneself, but new life that stirs in demand...."
Who is Liam? I'm guessing a toddler, but since the rest of the story doesn't get personal with names, this is just a bit confusing.
"Could they remember that the smell that wafted from the building was beef?" Clunky and confusing. I think what you are trying to get at here was that it had been just that damn long since they had had beef, but it is a bit confusing here. Maybe switching this parallel structure to an active voice would help:
Could the 500 people outside the door hear the pouring of the claret? Could they smell the wafting of beef through the gaps in the lumber? Could they even recall what those luxuries were?
Something like that? Play with it a bit.
"Nobody knew." Period. It is a given from your next sentences that no one would ever know. :)
Bag to sack again. Fits better throughout the whole piece.
Last paragraph: Where did the cattle come in? The beef connection isn't enough. Like a good essay, don't introduce something you haven't or have barely touched upon in the last paragraph.
The last sentence seems to run on a bit, but I love how you've tied it all together here. How about something like this?
"And an empty [sack] flaps in the wind [beside] an empty cottage, the field gone black and bitter as the hearts of those who placed their hope in just 12 miles."
Take what works from what I've said. What doesn't, throw out. You've got a poignant piece here, a short but rich and lyrical piece that shows brilliantly without telling what these people went through. Damn, I love this piece. LOVE IT! I can't wait to read your other work!
I absolutely love this
I'm giving you the NHB sans grammar, so please know that all the suggestions here are because this is what you requested. Yes, I think it needs tweaking, but oh.my.god I fell in love with this piece. It's gorgeous.
In paragraph 2, keep 'sack' instead of changing to 'bag'. Sack just works better with the rest of your word choices here. Bag sounds too modern and it is a deviation from the consistency you are otherwise creating very seamlessly.
"It is said relief is available" OR "It is said that relief is available". Not a grammar correction, but a stylistic one; the way it is worded here sounds unnecessarily clunky.
Would it have been as commonplace as it sounds here to run for pleasure in 1849? Research this. It pops me out of time here.
"12 miles, on the other hand, can be an angry thing for others." The fact that you name an emotion here takes away from the paragraph's potential to arouse it in the reader. What else could it be other than angry? Your writing is so much better than what this sentence gives you credit for. I don't really like inserting 'an impossible distance' because I think that takes away from it as well, but try to play with something that could arouse a sense of hopelessness without naming it here. You do such a great job in the remainder of the paragraph doing just this. Maybe all you need is something simple like:
"And yet, 12 miles. When you have had little or naught to eat..."
The rest of this amazing paragraph says everything.
The switch to second person here, however, is a bit disjointed from the rest of the story. Try using 'one' instead of 'you'. It seems to flow better without compromising the beauty of your language here by more sweeping changes. For instance, in this sentence try this: "Or if legs have grown heavy with having to carry not just oneself, but new life that stirs in demand...."
Who is Liam? I'm guessing a toddler, but since the rest of the story doesn't get personal with names, this is just a bit confusing.
"Could they remember that the smell that wafted from the building was beef?" Clunky and confusing. I think what you are trying to get at here was that it had been just that damn long since they had had beef, but it is a bit confusing here. Maybe switching this parallel structure to an active voice would help:
Could the 500 people outside the door hear the pouring of the claret? Could they smell the wafting of beef through the gaps in the lumber? Could they even recall what those luxuries were?
Something like that? Play with it a bit.
"Nobody knew." Period. It is a given from your next sentences that no one would ever know. :)
Bag to sack again. Fits better throughout the whole piece.
Last paragraph: Where did the cattle come in? The beef connection isn't enough. Like a good essay, don't introduce something you haven't or have barely touched upon in the last paragraph.
The last sentence seems to run on a bit, but I love how you've tied it all together here. How about something like this?
"And an empty [sack] flaps in the wind [beside] an empty cottage, the field gone black and bitter as the hearts of those who placed their hope in just 12 miles."
Take what works from what I've said. What doesn't, throw out. You've got a poignant piece here, a short but rich and lyrical piece that shows brilliantly without telling what these people went through. Damn, I love this piece. LOVE IT! I can't wait to read your other work!
Thank you for sharing! Color me inspired!