You have a very lovely, very descriptive style. I really like the juxtaposition of the old world/magical elements with the new world/normal ones. You adapted your style to suit both of them perfectly while still managing to make it cohesive from start to finish. The questions that the opening provoked got some clarification, but by the end there were more questions needing answers – which is FANTASTIC for maintaining reader interest! Nice work with that. Your transitions between sentences and paragraphs was solid as well.
There were a lot of little errors throughout this, I won’t lie to you about that. Lots of missed words, small punctuation errors – the majority of which a spell check SHOULD have caught. At least they triggered on mine. There were also some structural issues as well, namely with knowing when to start a new paragraph. Sometimes as well, it felt like the description kinda overran the functional elements of the story. You are NOT the first writer this has happened to, and you certainly won’t be the last. Just try and harness it a little for future pieces.
Overall though, like I said, I really enjoyed reading this. Great job, bardi!
EDITOR: Part Four
You have a very lovely, very descriptive style. I really like the juxtaposition of the old world/magical elements with the new world/normal ones. You adapted your style to suit both of them perfectly while still managing to make it cohesive from start to finish. The questions that the opening provoked got some clarification, but by the end there were more questions needing answers – which is FANTASTIC for maintaining reader interest! Nice work with that. Your transitions between sentences and paragraphs was solid as well.
There were a lot of little errors throughout this, I won’t lie to you about that. Lots of missed words, small punctuation errors – the majority of which a spell check SHOULD have caught. At least they triggered on mine. There were also some structural issues as well, namely with knowing when to start a new paragraph. Sometimes as well, it felt like the description kinda overran the functional elements of the story. You are NOT the first writer this has happened to, and you certainly won’t be the last. Just try and harness it a little for future pieces.
Overall though, like I said, I really enjoyed reading this. Great job, bardi!