That it was not his fault that he had been brought to this clearing to bring to a violent end this small life that lay in a too still tumble of limbs before them?
Again, the phrasing here is a little jumbled. I feel like there are too many unnecessary words, that maybe it could be simplified to something like: That it was not his fault he had been brought to this clearing to violently end this small life? The “tumble of limbs” part is too similar to the description used in the paragraph above, so I’d also suggest either changing that or deleting it entirely.
Although he was no bard, Dermot knew had to speak.
Whoops! There’s a missing word in here.
But when he went to clear his throat. found out with some apprehension that he could not bring any words out.
Missing word here as well, and I think you intended that period after “throat” to be a comma.
He tried to bring his bloodrust sword up but found he could not move his arm.
Bloodrust? Is that a story specific word, like dhampir, or is this an error?
Only his eyes, which a moment ago had been filled with resigned blue sadness, blazed with a blue grey thunder cap of hardness and anger that he had allowed himself to be caught in the Hag’s spell casting.
You’re letting the descriptive prettiness get the better of you here. Don’t worry, you’re definitely NOT alone in this regard. I have that same problem, and one of the hardest parts when self editing is trying to part yourself with the pretty. The issue with this sentence is that all of that lovely description actually bogs down the important action – that being that the child murdering dude here just got himself hexed.
She just continued to stand there looking down at the corpse of the small girl child.
Girl and child are fairly synonymous, so it’s unnecessary to say both.
Even though her magic hold him in stillness, Dermot had no doubt that somehow he would find a way to win this encounter.
Slight verb issue here in “magic hold him in stillness”. Should probably be “held”.
That moment seemed to last for an eternity as they both stood there as though they were frozen.
This is pretty much exactly what you said in the paragraph above. Be very careful about repetitive phrasing and word choice.
He eyes turned from hazel to a darkness more profound than anything he had every experienced.
This should probably be “her eyes”, correct?
Dermot found himself sweating, trembling, and for the first time since his childhood, fearful.
Okay, this paragraph is REALLY LONG. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but part of the reason why paragraphing is used is to give the reader a break in the text. It allows them to focus better and keep track of where they are. This like here would be a great place to start a new paragraph. It signals a change in event and subject.
EDITOR: Part Two
Should this be “momentary burst”?
That it was not his fault that he had been brought to this clearing to bring to a violent end this small life that lay in a too still tumble of limbs before them?
Again, the phrasing here is a little jumbled. I feel like there are too many unnecessary words, that maybe it could be simplified to something like: That it was not his fault he had been brought to this clearing to violently end this small life? The “tumble of limbs” part is too similar to the description used in the paragraph above, so I’d also suggest either changing that or deleting it entirely.
Although he was no bard, Dermot knew had to speak.
Whoops! There’s a missing word in here.
But when he went to clear his throat. found out with some apprehension that he could not bring any words out.
Missing word here as well, and I think you intended that period after “throat” to be a comma.
He tried to bring his bloodrust sword up but found he could not move his arm.
Bloodrust? Is that a story specific word, like dhampir, or is this an error?
Only his eyes, which a moment ago had been filled with resigned blue sadness, blazed with a blue grey thunder cap of hardness and anger that he had allowed himself to be caught in the Hag’s spell casting.
You’re letting the descriptive prettiness get the better of you here. Don’t worry, you’re definitely NOT alone in this regard. I have that same problem, and one of the hardest parts when self editing is trying to part yourself with the pretty. The issue with this sentence is that all of that lovely description actually bogs down the important action – that being that the child murdering dude here just got himself hexed.
She just continued to stand there looking down at the corpse of the small girl child.
Girl and child are fairly synonymous, so it’s unnecessary to say both.
Even though her magic hold him in stillness, Dermot had no doubt that somehow he would find a way to win this encounter.
Slight verb issue here in “magic hold him in stillness”. Should probably be “held”.
That moment seemed to last for an eternity as they both stood there as though they were frozen.
This is pretty much exactly what you said in the paragraph above. Be very careful about repetitive phrasing and word choice.
He eyes turned from hazel to a darkness more profound than anything he had every experienced.
This should probably be “her eyes”, correct?
Dermot found himself sweating, trembling, and for the first time since his childhood, fearful.
Okay, this paragraph is REALLY LONG. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but part of the reason why paragraphing is used is to give the reader a break in the text. It allows them to focus better and keep track of where they are. This like here would be a great place to start a new paragraph. It signals a change in event and subject.