How you revise the scene really depends on the emphasis you want to put on it - it's an important moment in time. My only concern is that, because you use phrases like "it seemed to last an eternity" more than once and the whole thing is more than two paragraphs long, it may be induce a reader to skip ahead to the next bit of action and miss something important - which is major DO NOT WANT!
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How you revise the scene really depends on the emphasis you want to put on it - it's an important moment in time. My only concern is that, because you use phrases like "it seemed to last an eternity" more than once and the whole thing is more than two paragraphs long, it may be induce a reader to skip ahead to the next bit of action and miss something important - which is major DO NOT WANT!
Looking forward to your future installments! :D